I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
