okay pat passed out under dana's car
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
