first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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