have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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