a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
