sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
