It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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