Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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