I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
