so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
