Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
