I think my fart just growled at me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
