AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
