there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
