YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
