so let's talk penis.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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