I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
