I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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