I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
