you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
