he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
