guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
