i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
