Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
