Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
