I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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