Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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