my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
