So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
