just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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