I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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