the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
