just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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