Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
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he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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