i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
