My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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