If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
