i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
