Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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