you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
