are you so shy because you have an std?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
