Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
