I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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