I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
