We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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