He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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