If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize