Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
