just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
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Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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