dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
