I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
