dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
