Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
