do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
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Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
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I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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