i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
