It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
