I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
