i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
